Confessions: Of Bewilderment

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In the end we all want to believe that we are at the drivers seat, directing our life to the best possible choices ;running on a fuel of our own volatile emotions. The need for that control is essential to keep reinventing yourself and so is a sense of purpose.

As Camus says “This world in itself is not reasonable, that is all that can be said. But what is absurd is the confrontation of this irrational and wild longing for clarity whose call echoes in the human heart. The absurd depends as much on man as on the world. For the moment it is all that links them together.”

 

 

This is a part of the Confession Series, written in old sketch books, revived to life here.

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Confessions : Of Falling Apart

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Sometimes I just can’t edit my larger monologues into shorter crisper versions. Sometimes I’m just too attached to the documented version of me.  Anyway, Falling apart is a process not a singular event. So might as well immerse yourself in the process,right?

 

 

 

 

This is a part of Confession Series, written in old sketch books revived to life here.

Confessions: Of Ambiguity

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It is strange that how I wrote these little snippets of advice to myself obscuring it with whole lot of  drama that I was then facing. I’ve always disliked being ambiguous about my life because of the kind of control freak that I am, but when I think about it, the most joy I’ve ever had in writing my short stories or drawing was when I was ambiguous of what I wanted and every word that I joined on the paper to make a sentence would be a surprise.

 

 

This is a part of a series of confessions, written in old sketchbooks bought to life here on this blog.

Confessions: of Giving up

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They say that you find what you seek.  And I might not find what I want for I know not what to seek, but that’s okay. I gave up on this endless search for another person until I’ve come to terms with living with myself.

This is a part of a Confession series, where old memories and thoughts of the past left behind in my old sketchbooks are bought to life here.

However, these tiny thoughts.

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Tiny chairs,tiny feet,
Loud mouth,
Brilliant speech.

Tiny chairs, Tiny fingers,
Borrowed mind,
Generous thoughts.

Tiny chairs, tiny lives,
Unspoken lies,
Hidden cries.

Tiny chairs,Tiny eyes,
Big dreams,
Cowardly acts.

Tiny chairs,Tiny heads,
Colorful Clothes,
Unknown identity.

Tiny Chairs, Tiny lips,
Flying in this muddle,
Honest to a point of fault.

200 Friends

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There they sat,

Patiently waiting,

With a silent plea of acceptation,

Tainted with an air of desperation.

A hundred others sat,

In a room unknown,

Not talking, Not moving ,

Living in a bubble of their own.

Not many knew me,nor I them,

I just kept collecting,

Sorting them by roles,

Grouping them by needs.

It’s not their fault,

Not mine either,

We just sat there in each others vaults,

Squatting in a space which belonged to neither.

I refused to acknowledge them in daylight,

For knowing all along that I didn’t,

I drew a line,

And then a threshold.

I would collect only 200 of them,

Not a worthy person less, not a worthy person more.

(*insert number*) Things to do when you are in your twenties!

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There have been many a list made in all the blogging sites about the things do. The most popular ones being – Things to do before you die, things do when you are 50, the things to do when you are in your 30’s & 20’s ,5 things to do when you are aged 5. It is  like our minds cannot evolve from one age group to another without such progressive lists. That said, lists are our mild OCD patterns of things we ought to write and forget( or not). Personally , I love lists, I make them up all the time, like “things to say to your inanimate best friend” ; “things to say to your dog so that he may have self-esteem”; “things to say to your boyfriend so that he may be left with some self-esteem” ;”things to do when you are bored by the presence of people” etc and so forth. So here is the greatest list of things I believe that must be done in your twenties.

#) Convince your best/favorite/only friend to shave their head. Why? because in your twenties is the only time you will have enough conviction to do so and your friend will be actually gullible enough to listen to you, after which you have enough time in your life to make new friends in an extreme case where your friend abandons you.Also shaving off your own head is so overrated.

#) Quit on the one thing you absolutely love. It can be your obsessive gaming, football, chocolates,your girlfriend/boyfriend,books,movies, Facebook,coffee,cigarettes, marijuana,cocaine. It helps you build up your immunity for all the further disappointments that are lined your way in your 30’s.It also helps you enjoy the same later when you are acutely miserable.

#)Ride away into the sunset. Yes, buy/borrow/steal a minimum of 300cc bike and go on a road trip. It’s the only time you can afford to take one without your doctor on your speed dial.

#)Plan a wedding. This is only because you do not want to be left out of the crowd where all your friends are either thinking about getting married or are getting married. Plan a wedding for your pet snails or yourself or your grandparents. The whole planning part is so tedious that you rather face a hundred tasks dumped on you by your boss on a Saturday evening.

#) Eavesdrop on the guy in the other booth in a bar. It surmounts to nothing. Next write down their conversation. A few laughs are bound to be generated when you read it out of context. But lesson learned , everything you do from this decade onwards-surmounts to nothing. Peace.

#) Listen to Music from the 1920’s. Yes , get over your Bob Marley, Guns and Roses, Aviici or Swedish house mafia. You will go a long way in life knowing artists like the Blind Lemon Jefferson, Louis Armstrong, Duke Ellington. Also it will earn major brownie points with people who know their music and adds a much need snob quotient with people who listen to Justin Bieber.

#) Write a Novella. It is a necessary rite of passage. It can be about your ever clichéd love story to your boring childhood where nothing ever happened, It could also be about your fantasy parallel universe which is similar to Lord of the rings. It doesn’t matter as long as you write because it improves your vocabulary. It also helps you type in full words than “hw r u?” (Seriously, that is not cool!)

#)Own a leather Jacket. Just because you can.

#) Make plans to build your own bunker. Plan it well. Hire an architect too. You never know when you might need a mini bar if a nuclear explosion ever occurs and you are hiding in your bunker.

#)Visit Siberia. It might be freezing cold. You might lose a couple of toes to the weather , but it will be the place you will describe to your grand-kids about every-time they ask about your missing toes.

#) Buy a camel. Why? Same reason as why you bought a leather jacket in the first place.

#)Make your own Things to DO lists. Seriously! Get to it.