Confessions: Of Bewilderment

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In the end we all want to believe that we are at the drivers seat, directing our life to the best possible choices ;running on a fuel of our own volatile emotions. The need for that control is essential to keep reinventing yourself and so is a sense of purpose.

As Camus says “This world in itself is not reasonable, that is all that can be said. But what is absurd is the confrontation of this irrational and wild longing for clarity whose call echoes in the human heart. The absurd depends as much on man as on the world. For the moment it is all that links them together.”

 

 

This is a part of the Confession Series, written in old sketch books, revived to life here.

Findings

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“The living don’t wait to die alphabetically, nor do the dead want to be arranged in an order”, I penned down, half amused by this discovery of mine. I sat beside a small obscure grave marker , hidden behind the grand gravestone of another famous person. My headache didn’t show any signs of leaving me , nor did the weather look like it was going to let the bright sunshine seep into the grey Parisian sky.

“What are you searching for? ” He asked while finding himself a place beside me. Wearing a brown bowler hat and carrying a cane , he looked like he had walked out of  a  Rene Magritte painting albeit with a face and not an apple.

” I don’t know” I replied to the vague question with the most evasive phrase coined in English language.

” Nonsense! you obviously know what you are looking for, else your eyes wouldn’t be darting around like that of a madman seeking his sanity” he declared.

I laughed, a nervous laugh afraid as ever to say things out loud lest they become real and heavy with words that I possibly cannot take back. ” I guess I was looking for some alternative life altering mechanism over here” I said. “I guess I was searching for a person who died the same day as I was born” I continued. “I guess I was searching for an everlasting connection with the obscure in a way that I can never find otherwise”

“Hmmm” he grunted. “A bit lonely aren’t you?” he asked a few minutes later. ” No, not really, but sometimes I wish I had a legacy to carry or perhaps a cross to bear, so to speak. There is an innate satisfaction in knowing a piece about a stranger that could be polar opposite to who you are , but it also sets the roots for an identity that you have been running away from” I said.

“And what maybe that you are running away from?” he asked “These findings about myself.These words to be precise” I said without thinking.

“Clever one , you are, aren’t you” he patted my head in a avuncular manner and walked away into the labyrinth of gravestones, cane not making a sound, bowler hat not blowing away despite the storm brewing and wind hissing a warning.

“Insane might be a better word” I mumbled  to myself and went back to searching and not finding anything significant or at-least deluding myself about it.

Findings

Findings

Paris in Patterns

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When people ask me about Paris, I can’t help but smile. Paris to me is not special because of all the museums I did not visit or all the cafes I did not dine in. Its special because I saw the city, albeit with a grim cloudy murky lenses after my tryst with the sunny Greece. Either way, Paris now is officially my third favorite city, the true love being ROME.

Paris, In retrospect

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Re-collecting,
The stranded sea shells,
About answers missed,
Forgetting statements said.

Posing with memories,
Suspended within;
masked by unfinished lines,
Delusions of blurred visions.

Like a street of crowded scenes,
That engulf before learning to breath.
Disoriented,
Staring at the voice,
Speaking but unable to see.

Drenched with inabilities,
We pause,
Restlessly and painfully aware,
Of an absence,
Existing in you and perhaps me,
Unnoticed by one too many.

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“Being lost is an achievement for self. It’s a milestone that subtly indicates that you’ve successfully unlearned all that you were conditioned to learn. You now can piece together all the fragments that never fit together anyways, not to form a clean pattern but to enjoy the process of fixing something that was never broken.”   – Alice Murgesan, To BE.

Doors.

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Camera360_2013_5_29_05354820130531203823It starts slowly, this need to travel, the need to escape, to leave that idea of you behind which was being lugged around. Unneeded yet attached to you by a strange umbilical cord that is difficult to cut off . The idea then builds up pixel by pixel until it becomes more than your being.This is exactly how the tables turned for Alice.

At first she shrugged away the idea thinking of it as an inconvenience, in the way of getting to all her stone clad plans of life . She ignored to see the pixels together , but then one day she just turned around and all she saw was that her plans were crumbling down and just that  ‘idea’ was breathing down her neck. The next thing she did was to run home or the illusion of home, packed her bags  or rather a duffel filled with the bare necessities and just leave.

When she stepped out of the door she didn’t see the need to say a goodbye but rather a thank you to her boyfriend of 8 years. Mostly thanking him for bearing with that person who had no inkling of what or who she was. She contemplated on leaving behind  a post card explaining everything that was going on in her mind but it felt like a slap on her face than his , so she just hastily scribbled “I LOVED YOU” on the postcard that she got him five years ago while she went on that trip to Crete. She turned it upside down,maybe like a symbolic gesture  and put it on the refrigerator. When she stepped out of the door, for the first time in all her adult years she didn’t take her keys along, not because there was somebody waiting for her to return home but because she knew that things would have to come to a full circle with her ideas before she even considers to knock on a door that she closed.

Her first step faltered, a part off her was holding her back, but she took that first step for the guarantee of an uncertainty , for a madness that wasn’t her. She probably signed up for a death wish or she just saved herself from an eternity of boredom that would eventually overtake. The curiosity to drink on something that wasn’t her first choice or was remotely even placed in her list of choices took over and she walked. For the first time she walked towards nothing that she knew of yet she walked and not rush about, her gait had a secret to tell but everything was hushed up,buoyant with the hope that she could reach the place that she never thought she could.

Lorrenzetti .

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Sienese paintings , Nithya Suri

The unfinished curves and lines

Crane their necks ,

Overlooking perspectives distorted ,

Making a strange obsession ;

of the night sky .

Parading halos so farce around our heads ,

They disguise themselves under your naked stare .

The tightly locked music ,

Echoed only in these labyrinth .

The tops of the simplest answers ,

Found buried under displaced patterns .

Traces of the original ,

Marked by golden hands ,

Giving away gifts so frivolous ,

Punctured by motives of many .

So bored are their eyes ,

Whilst climbing into a shell ,

Precariously sliding into infinity ,

Merging into a world ,

Of suspended dimension and imagery .